The First Two Years: A Yizkor Kavannah

I. The First Day

What?

Wait...what?

No.

How?  When?

Why?

No.

What?

No.

No no no.

II.  Shiva

Thank you for coming

Thank you for coming

Mmm, bagesl and lox, thank you so much.

You know you meant a lot to us.

Thank you for coming

Thank you for coming

Mmm, casserole, thank you so much.

You know you meant a lot to us.

Thank you for coming

Thank you for coming

Mmm, white fish salad, thank you so much.

It means a lot.

Yitgadal v'Yitkadash.

Thank you everyone, please go away now.

Go away.

Go away.

Thank you,

Amen.

III.  Sheloshim

Everyone went away.

Especially you.

One month later

And I don't know how to be.

Stop it.

IV.  Eleven Months Later

Today I brought a bottle of Scotch to shul

And many little plastic cups.

And just before the Mourner's Kaddish

I stood up and announced the unveiling.

Eleven months since you died.

I told a funny story

And poured out a drink for anyone who wanted one.

It was nice,

We toasted your life.

But you're still dead anyway.

You're still dead.

And I think I"m a little drunk.

V.  Two Years Later

It's Yizkor on Yom Kippur

And while the rabbi reads off the names

I'm going to tell you an embarrassing secret.

Sometimes when I'm watching TV

And an older couple comes on

In one of those commercials for Social Security supplemental health insurance.

And even though the dialogue is hokey

And the situation is contrived,

They are so warm and familiar with each other,

And you know they have been together for a long time

And plan to be together for a long time to come

And I can't help it,

It reminds me of you.

I know, right?

But I can't help it,

It makes me cry.

Only a little.

After all,

It's silly,

It's only a commercial for Social Security supplemental health insurance.

Oh, the rabbi just got to you.

It's good to hear her say your name again.

We remember you, together.  

Amen.

A Mourner's Kaddish

Layer Upon layer of attempts to describe the Indescribable.

We cannot help but be separate,

We cannot help but be part of the One.

It is our holy dialectic

In the face of the unknown

And thus our need for

A Name that will describe

A Name that will explain

A Name that will make it easy.

This is not easy.

But how do we name the Un-nameable?

We can but try.

Bless this endeavor;

It has made us so creative.

Bless the Eternal and the Glorious,

The Holy Wholeness,

And let us say, Amen.

It makes us happy to think about God.

Overarching and unseen.

We have absolutely no idea what the truth is,

But we are blessed with this burden

Because we need to describe what cannot be described,

Because we need structure in the face of the vast mysteries,

Because we go on and on and on.  

And then, one day we don’t.

Blessed One-ness.

We pray, these are requests for meaning despite our doubts,

Despite our fears,

Despite the loss of love and loved ones.

May these prayers be answered,

As unlikely as that may be,

You never know.

And let us say, Amen.

And may the Un-nameable be sanctified

And the Names we have invented to name the Un-nameable be sanctified

And may The Name we invented to name the names we invented for the Un-nameable be sanctified.

Layer Upon Layer of attempts to describe the Indescribable,

Those layers allow us to touch the awesome truth

And still be safe.

May our creations flourish and survive our limitations.

Bless The Name of the Names of the Un-nameable

Now

Until

Then.

Layer Upon Layer

May all our prayers be understood,

And let us say, Amen

Blessed One-ness.

However we understand this on any given day,

Making peace and

Sustaining holy completion

For us, through us.

For each other

And all the world,

And let us say, Amen.