For Yom Kippur, Before and During

By Trisha Arlin

All Our Grudges: An Alternative Kol Nidrei

All grudges, resentments, and vows of vengence and bitterness, 

All undying hatreds or annoyances that we may hold onto

Or talk endlessly about, boring our friends,

Or lose sleep obsessing over

Or write bad poetry about

Or bring up at family dinners to the consternation of all present;

From the previous Day of Atonement until this Day of Atonement

For the benefit of our mental health

And the peace of mind of all who surround us;

Regarding all of this that we have refused to let go,

Despite the fact that they are long past

Or pointless

Or one-sided

Or ridiculous

Or destructive of the innocent

Or hurting ourselves more than anyone else;

Regarding all of them, these intrusions on the Holy Wholeness,
we repudiate them.

All of them, we let them go,

Give up

Wave away

Acknowledge as stupid

Declare null and void
Because we are done.

Our grudges are no longer our grudges,

Our silent resentments are no longer silent,

Our eternal vows of vengence are no more.

The entire community acknowledges and takes action

So that everyone we have been angry at is forgiven,

Every hurt we did not speak about will be dealt with,

Every relative will be loved for who they are rather than who they are not,

Every change in the world that needs to be made will be made rather than contemplated.

Holy Wholeness!

We need help to step back into connection with the One.

We look for the compassion and mercy

That is always there

If we but pay attention.

Yes, there it is.
We are forgiven.

Blessed be the One-ness, 

Creator, Created, Creating.

Amen

 ======

I Am In Exile: A Prayer for Kol Nidre

I am in exile

From the source

Of my true self.

I look and I can't find me.

I want to go back

I don't know how to get there.

They tell me:

Teshuva is the answer!

Return to friends, community, One-ness!

But I am lost,

I don't know the path.

I am in exile

From my Partner

In holy conversation.

I talk but I am not heard.

I want to speak

But I don't know what to say.

They tell me:

Tefillah is the answer!

Pray with friends, community, One-ness!

But I am lost,

I don't know the ritual.

I am in exile

From the unfair pain 

Suffered by so many others.

I can only feel my own needs.

I want to help

But I don't know what to do.

They tell me:

Tzedukah is the answer!

Serve your friends, community, One-ness!

But I am lost,

I don't know the next step.

Every Yom Kippur I am told:

Teshuvah, Tefilah & Tzedukah 

Restore us to our place.

Teshuvah, when we return to our true selves;

Tefillah, when we stop time in holy conversation;

Tzedukah, when we transcend self.

I hope that that is true.

Blessed One-ness, I am looking for guidance.

Where do I walk?

What do I say?

What do I do?

I am not sure I believe the answers.

Should I trust the ones who counsel me?

Shema, they say,

Listen:
You are forgiven,
You are loved.

Blessed Holy Wholeness, 

suggesting a home.
I hope that I am forgiven,
I hope that I am loved.

Amen.

=======

A List, Of My Sins, For Yom Kippur

Praise Elul, the plowing
Praise Selichot, the planting
Praise Rosh Hashannah, the watering,
Praise Yom Kippur, the weeding
Praise Sukkot, the Harvest.


Aveinu Yah
Emotainu Yah
God of our ancestors
God of my childhood
God of the mystics
God of the philosophers
God of this community

Tonight I ask to be released from all my vows of perfection.
They were impossible.
I have made bad choices.
I caused pain
I was selfish
I talked behind people’s backs
I lost perspective
I wasted time
I whined and moped
I said mean things and thought I was funny
I went into debt.
I boasted
I was insincere
I did not take care of myself
I was too angry
I wasn’t angry enough
I projected my neuroses onto others
I used my abilities to intimidate
I didn’t use my abilities enough.
I did not sow or reap or harvest
I did not create.
I didn’t give money when it would have helped.
I didn’t give my time when it would have made a difference.
I lied.
I didn’t see others pain because I was too busy with my own
I was unsupportive to my friends.
I took my grief out on others.
I showed off.
I was foolish.
I was lazy
I was sloppy
I wallowed in self-pity.
I grumbled.
I was sarcastic.
I started every sentence with the word, “I”.
I did things that hurt other people.
Sometimes I couldn’t help myself, or so I like to think.
Sometimes I could help myself, and I knew it, and I didn’t.
I feared death and pretended I didn’t.
I thought I could control life and despaired when I could not.

Aveinu Yah, Emotainu Yah, God of my fathers and mothers, God of my current understanding or lack thereof, awesome and incomprehensible, for all these sins and many more, I promise to try for better from myself and others, and I pray for compassion and kindness for all who are in pain or who cause pain. Amen.

====

Prayer for the Cruel Ones

What must it be like

To have had all the empathy 

Squeezed out of you,

To be so sure

Of the rightness of your cause

That you don’t care who you hurt?

What must it be like

To have had all the doubt

Pushed out of you,

To be so convinced

Of the importance of your desire

That war makes sense?

What must it be like

To have had all the love

Burnt out of you,

To be so full of hate

For the objects of your fury

That you can bomb their children?

Blessed One-ness

It must be very sad and empty

To be so terrible. 

We pray for help to remember that

So we do not 

Lose our own empathy, doubt and love

As we work for their demise.

Easier said than done. 

Amen

====

Place Yourself: An Unetaneh Tokef

PLACE YOURSELF in front of the fear. 

You will be judged, you will die.

Place yourself in the center of the universe

You earned that spot simply by existing.

Place yourself under obligation to God

However you understand or don’t understand God.

Place yourself on the path of holiness and justice, joy and truth.

Bless and be blessed by HaMakom, the Place where we find ourselves.

REMEMBER  

Remember what you did wrong

Remember what you did right.

Remember those who came before you.

Remember that you are responsible for those who come after you.

Remember your history.

Remember Torah.

Bless and be blessed by Shaddai, remembering us.

DECLARE YOURSELF

Because the truly evil are already condemned

The truly good are already blessed

And then, there’s the rest of us.

It is said that on Rosh Hashanah God decides your fate: life or death.

And the ten days until Yom Kippur are your opportunity to change God’s mind.

So don’t blow it.

This is a powerful day, a fantastic opportunity!
Choose to be yourself.

Declare yourself for holiness and Justice,  joy and truth.

Bless and be blessed by Shechina, listening.

NOW WE DECLARE

And as a congregation, we proclaim:

Let the holiness rise up!

On Rosh Hashanah it is written

On Yom Kippur it is sealed.

And let us declare together:

We understand nothing.

All that is physical, ends.

We die.

But not today.

Except sometimes, today.

We fret about the past and worry about the future

And forget to live with where we are now.

And then we die.

We understand nothing.

But  

Teshuvah, Tefilah & Tzedukah 

Restore us to our place.

Teshuvah, when we return to our true selves;

Tefillah, when we stop time in holy conversation;

Tzedukah, when we transcend self;

And that’s when God decrees,
That's when you decide.

Bless and be blessed by Ruach HaOlam, breathing mindfulness.

THE DAY IS HOLY

Listen to the Shofar as it announces:

Awesome and sacred is this sweet day!

The world is filled with the Divine, we are surrounded!

Hear us, know us.

Love us, enjoy us.

Remember us, rouse us.

Forgive us, inspire us, 

Bless and be blessed by Elohim, the Creator, the Created, Creating. 

We place ourselves in front of the fear,
On the path of holiness and Justice, joy and truth.
Amen.

====

Forgive You?

You say to me, 

"If I have hurt you in any way this past year, I apologize and hope that you can pardon me, forgive me, let me atone for my sins against you."

If?  If you have hurt me?

Of course you have hurt me!  
Remember that time in the car, in the living room, on the road, in the back yard, on the stoop?

In that email, on the phone, to my parents, with my friends, next to my spouse, in front of my kids, when we were alone?

Overtly, covertly, passive-aggressively, inadvertantly, officially, slowly, abruptly, shockingly, repeatedly, mistakenly, knowingly?

Oh my God yes, you have hurt me!

"I know," you say, "I know.

Pardon me, forgive me, let me atone for my sins against you."

Forgive you?  Should I forgive you? when should I forgive you?

Immediately, before you even know what you did?

Now, as soon as you ask for forgiveness?

Eventually, but only after making you feel bad for years?

What about never?

How should I forgive you?

Miraculously, without you having to ask?

Simply, by just saying, apology accepted?

Grudgingly, and only after you've groveled for a really long time?

Or what about, not at all?

Why should I forgive you?

Because you are really truly sorry and you will never do it again?

Becasue it cleanses us both and helps me move on?

Because it's Elul and the Rabbi says I have to?

Because nothing, screw this, you're evil and I hate you.

"Yes," you say,  "you're right.

All true.

Pardon me, forgive me, let me atone for my sins against you."

Forgive you?
I imagine saying, No.
Forgive you?

I imagine saying, Maybe.
Forgive you?

I imagine saying, Yes.

Amen.

====

For The Sins of Laziness and Omission

Blessed One-ness,

We place ourselves in front of the fear
On the path of holiness and joy and truth.

עַל חֵטְא שָׁחָטָאנוּ לְפָנֶיךָ בִּנְטִיַּת

We have sinned against God (and ourselves)

Through the sins of laziness and omission;

Through the sins of disappointment and missed potential;

Through the sins of nostalgia and sentimentality.

Through the sin of not looking when we should have looked;

Through the sin of not hearing when we could've heard;

Through the sin of not acting when we needed to act.

We are  overly obediant, we are willfully ignorant, we are foolishly complacent.

We are needlessly insincere, we are casually honest, we are easily mawkish.

We lack endurance, we shrug, we avoid argument.

We are hopeless, we despair, we mock optimism.

We are frustrated, we are impatient, we surrender too easily.

We sleep in, we change the channel, we turn the page.

We procrastinate, we assume privilege, we conveniently forget.

We sign online petitions and we share social media posts and we think that's enough.

We put our fingers in our ears, we avoid deep silence, we shush the inconvenient.

We are lazy.

וְעַל כֻּלָּם, אֱלוֹהַּ סְלִיחוֹת, 
סְלַח לָנוּ, מְחַל לָנוּ, כַּפֵּר לָנוּ.

Perceptive God of our consciences,

For all these sins (of laziness and omission),
We take full responsibility.

From now on, 
May we see and hear all that can be seen and heard.
May we do instead of being done upon.
May we rise up when rising up is needed.
May we enjoy our lives not despite the struggles but along with them.

And let us say,

Amen.

=====

We Will Remember The Martyrs: An Indictment 

For the sins against  One-ness,

Prepare yourself to be weighed and found wanting.

You revel in how you break our connection to the Whole,

You are appalling!

You attack our hearts and

You use our fear against us.

These are sins against God,

The ones that break true connection

And it is known who and what you are.

You are willfully foolish.

You are cruel and use hate as a tool for power.

In your greed and stupidity,

You ignore the degradation of our planet

And the answers of science

And look where it has led us!

Species and forests disappear.

Old people and the poor are sacrificed.

 Workers are used and discarded,

Racism is celebrated,

Misogyny extolled,

Sexual and gender diversity denied,

Where is normal human empathy?

We grieve for the sick and the dead,

We grieve for the murdered and the neglected,

We grieve for all we have lost and will lose.

We remember

Those who die by virus

And those who die by guns,

Those who die by gas

And those who die by suffocation,

Those who die by infection

And those who die from neglect.

Those who are shot in schools

And those who are shot in wars  

Those who die alone

And those who die in genocide and mass murder, 

Those who die by starvation

And those who who die from domestic and sexual abuse,

Those who died with a knee on their neck

And those who die hanging from a tree, 

Those who die as random victims during mass shootings

And those who despair and die by their own hands.

We remember 

And because we remember

We resist our privilege if we have it;

We resist racism when we see it;

We resist cruelty and stupidity when they beckon;

We resist lethargy and despair when it calls us.

We will remember you. 

We remember and you will not be allowed to flourish. 

We remember and promise to change the world,

Even a little.

And

As for compassion and empathy,

As for the rule of law,

As for truth, democracy and goodness,

We remember those, too.

Blessed Holy Wholeness 

We give thanks for our good memories.

Help us make use of the bad ones.

Amen

=====

Vidui: A Confession of Sins Against the Future 

 

We confess and we forgive:

The times we bought leaded gasoline, inorganic beef and whole cow milk. 

We forgive the stray plastic bottle unrecycled. 

We forgive all the turned pages and unlistened-to reports

Or the phone calls we didn’t make

And the emails we didn’t send,

We even can forgive the times we didn’t vote

And the times we didn’t march.  

We forgive and we can be forgiven: 

We’re only humans after all and 

We didn’t want it to be real.  

But now we know. 

We confess but we cannot forgive:

We can’t forgive these other sins against the earth because 

They are sins against the Holy Wholeness. 

How do we forgive all the species that have disappeared ?

Or the burnt forests or the dried up lakes?

And how can it be for us to forgive the greed and the selfishness,

The times we chose to not notice the changes, 

And the times our lives were too personally pleasant to care?

We signed on to a covenant:

The earth will take care of us

If we will take care of it. 

And we reneged.

It is not for us to forgive.  

We confess and wonder:

Will our sins be remembered?

Our children,

And their children,

Will they resent our sins against them?

Will they forget the willful ignorance?

Will they forget the procrastination?

Will they forget the waste?

We will be long gone

So we don’t have to care

Which is disgusting

Because we are guilty. 

Will our children forgive our sins against the future?

Ashamnu. 

Amen

=====

THE FOUNDATION OF FORGIVENESS 

In the divine and great love of One-ness

That is the foundation of forgiveness,

It is really good

To be part of a community of people

Who want to be kind to each other. 

Sometimes that’s more aspirational for us than achieved,

But here, secure in acceptance and compassion,

We know

We are where we can keep trying,

Where kindness

And apologies

And forgiveness

And safety

Come our way when needed

And even when not. 

In the divine and great love of One-ness

It is good to remember. 

Amen

===

A Prayer for Compassion

Baruch Atah Adonai
Brucha At Shechinah
Blessed One-ness, Blessed Connection, 
Kadosh Baruch Hu:
We pray for all who are in pain
And all who cause pain.

We pray for those of us
Who are so angry
That we have lost compassion for the suffering
Of anyone who is not a member of our group.
And we pray for those of us
Who cannot see the suffering
Behind the loss of that compassion.

We pray for the strength
To resist the urge to inhumanity
That we feel in times of fear and mourning.
We pray for the courage
To resist the calls to inhumanity
That others may make upon us in times of crisis.

Baruch Atah Adonai
Brucha At Shechinah
Blessed One-ness, Blessed Connection,
Kadosh Baruch Hu:
May we find relief from our hurts and fears
And may we not, in our pain,
Lose our empathy
For the hurts and fears of others.
We pray for all who are in pain
And all who cause pain.
Amen

======

Enough

We pray 

For our safety and health

But we fear for us all. 

We pray 

That it is not too late

But we fear that it is. 

We pray

For common sense

But we fear the fanatics. 

Blessed Holy Wholeness:

May we not be afraid
To act big
And save the world. 

May we also learn 
To act small
And save each other. 

May we also remember
To transcend despair 

And love ourselves enough. 

Amen

===

All This Power 

All this power

That we have worshipped and obeyed

And prayed to

For thousands of years,

The power to redeem and forgive, 

Create and sustain,

Comfort and heal,

Remember and bless,

All this power is ours to assign 

With fear or with familiarity

And ours to wield,

With greed or with generosity.

Or perhaps it belongs to no one

Like the dew on the fields,

Like the winds that blow

And the rains that fall. 

Amen.