Inside The Holy Of Holies

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

An empty room.

There is a roof on top of four walls

And a door but no windows.

We declare the inside, divine

And the outside, mundane.

This is arbitrary but okay with me,

I like holy separation.

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

Judgement.

God speaks to me and tells me

Of God's disappointment with all my mistakes.

I apologize and promise to do better.

We both know this is unlikely but God appreciates the sentiment.

This is great for me,

I have faith in the rituals.

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

Hate.

I see racism, murder, ethnic cleansing,

Misogyny, homo- and transphobia,

Rape, fascism, privilege,

Lies, manipulation, collusion.

If this is God,

I give up.

Inside the Holy of Holies I see

Hope.

People rise up, demanding action.

Investigators and organizers reject cynicism and despair.

We light candles, pray and make change.

Everyone votes and democracy rules.

God manifests

And I rejoice.

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

The Jewish people.

Our stories create me,

Our culture animates me,

Our society challenges me,

Our past scars me.

I couldn't escape them if I tried.

Could be worse.

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

Myself.

Years of therapy allow me to make

An honest evaulation

Of who and what I am.

I criticize myself appropriately.

I honor self-awareness,

Anything else is boring.

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

The Infinite.

I meditate on the Ruach Ha Olam

And each breath is a prayer.

I feel the Presence,

I am unaware of the past and unworried about the future.

It is amazing.

I give thanks.

Inside the Holy of Holies, I see

The God I need to see.

Today, God is ancient wishful thinking.

And tomorrow, Aveinu Malkeinu, Who will make miracles.

Next week, I ponder the Fierce Mystery,

And the week after, I know the One-ness that is everywhere in all things.

Whatever.

Here I am
In the Holy Of Holies.