The King & Vashti

Purim Havdallah

(delivered after regular Havdallah, to start Purim, with much kibitzing from everyone)

What’s all this holy Havdallah? Too serious! We need a Purim Havdallah!!

I. Praise
Praise Shabbat when I slept late
Praise Purim, let us get upside down
Praise the Before when we are healthy,
Praise the After, the Holy Hangover
Praise Havdallah, Is Shabbat over? Can I check my email?
Praise the…I’m sorry, what was I saying?
Oh yeah,
It’s party time!

II. Wine, Spice, Fire
Wine – (pull out bottle of Scotch) Yay!! Have a drink, have two!!! It’s Purim!
Spice – (pull out large deoderant, refresh on self) Hey baby, lookin’ good with your funky self. Love that outfit! Smell ya later. You, too.
Fire - (pull out joke candle) Hey you, light my fire!!! (sing davenning) Come on baby light my fire, Come on baby light my fire!!

III. Blessing
Blessed Echad, that which Unites, and connects us that we may pay dues to the congregation.
Blessed Ruach HaOlam, That Which We will never understand and really, who cares?!!!
Blessed HaMavdil, that which divides, so that we can be what we are NOT!

And let us say:
(reverently) (H)amen.

PURIM!!!!!!!!

Vashti Says No

Ladies, get me some water.
What happened? I’ll tell you.
He summoned me,
That old drunk,
He wants to show me off to his friends
Disgusting.
I didn’t think
I just answered,
I said to the messenger,
Tell him, Vashti says No

To ask such a thing
It’s the last straw
Maybe this makes me a bad wife.
I don’t know, what do you think?
I should do as he commands?
He sends back more notes
I’m a bitch, I’m a shrew,
I don’t know my place!
Fine, I say to the messenger, who is just a kid.
Fine, tell him, Vashti says no.

Five minutes later
Back comes the kid
Poor thing, I feel sorry for him
The old man is going to hurt him
When he hears what I’ve said.
I wish I could help him, but I can’t.
Because the kid announces,
It’s official
I’m divorced, banished, forgotten instantly
Make room for the next one.
Hmph! Do I care?
Tell him, Vashti says No.

So now what?
What do I do?
Pack, ladies, we’re packing to go.
Does my life end if I’m not the queen?
If not magnificent, what will I be?
A mere person!
How interesting.
Merely a princess of Babylon.
Merely the great-granddaughter of King Nebuchadnezzar
Merely the granddaughter of King Amel-Marduk
Merely the daughter of King Belshazzar
Kidnapped by Darius of Persia
Given to his idiot son to marry.
Merely the Queen of Persia...
Such fun.
Merely me?!!
Tell him, Vashti says No


The messenger comes back, he’s got a black eye.
The king wants to give me one more chance.
Beloved First Wife!
Dress up in your finest and parade yourself!
Then beg for forgiveness, he’s in such a good mood
I give the poor messenger a pat on the head
And an aspirin
Sorry sweetie,
Remember to duck
When you tell him, Vashti says No

Maybe I’ll cut off my long black hair,
Maybe I’ll burn all my beautiful clothes.
Maybe I’ll stop wearing make up
Maybe I’ll get fat
Hah!
Show this off buster!
Messenger falls back in the room, he’s limping now
And I think his arm is broken.
The old man wants my crown.
This crown?
The old man wants to give it to the next wife
The clothes, and servants and the jewels
So get it all, ladies, stuff it in the bags
I’m taking everything.
And tell that old glutton,
Vashti says NO.

All packed?
Good, thanks.
Get the carriage, I’ll wait here.
You know, I’ve got a lovely palace in the country
5000 square feet and a heated pool.
I think I”ll plant tomatoes.
Maybe I’ll take a lover
And write my memoirs.
As for you, husband,
Go ahead, get yourself a new queen.
On second thought, take the crown
I’ll never wear it again.
It’ll just remind me of you.
(here, give it to the boy to deliver, it might save his life.)
And lotsa luck to the next one, whoever you will be.
Display yourself if that’s what he wants
But get him drunk first
It goes faster.
Manipulate him if you can
Let him think he’s clever
It’s not that hard
Unless he’s with his friends.
So when you’re the Queen, girlie, say yes yes yes
But please, honey, whoever you are
Tell him, Vashti says No.