Fear, Despair (and Faith): The Lily Among The Thorns

...And God said, “In every place where I cause my name to be mentioned, I will come to you and bless you.”
Exodus 20:21


We are all called to hear the Torah read out loud:

To listen to our stories,

Our laws,

Our history,

And Torah.

And sometimes, if we’re want it and we’re lucky,

To God,

However we understand God. 

We ask God to listen to us,

Listen to our Fear.

Today I am called up to look to God for company

In my fear.

I am afraid of our leaders

And I am afraid for the people looking to replace our leaders.

I am afraid of violence.

I am afraid of hate.

I fear the hate I hear towards immigrants, people of color, Jews, the poor,

Towards people who are too old or young,

Towards people of good intent with whom we mildly disagree,

Anyone who is not us.

I am afraid for myself, I am afraid for you, I am afraid for everybody.

I don’t want to deny the fear

That only makes it stronger.

So today I touch the Torah,

I acknowledge the fear.

We acknowledge the fear.

Blessed Holy One-ness,

We are afraid.

And we ask God to listen to us.

To listen to our Despair.

Today I am called up to look to God for company

In my despair.

The enemy is so strong

And we are divided.

We keep losing

And this is no game.

Lives are ruined,

Animals are going extinct,

The planet is on fire,

I miss snow.

Cruelty goes unpunished

And I can’t get away from it.

There’s no point in pretending I don’t feel it.

We all feel it.

No distractions work for long.

It feels hopeless.

Solidarity helps

But the grief won’t go away
And the more I deny it
The worse it gets.

So I touch the Torah

I acknowledge my despair

We acknowledge the despair.

Blessed Holy One-ness,

We are sad.

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There is a parable in the Sefer Ha-Aggadah,*

The Book of Legends,

About a king who had a beautiful orchard

Which, when he had to leave for a year,

He left in the hands of a keeper. 

And when the king returned,

The orchard had been terribly neglected,

Overgrown with thorns and thistles.

He was going to tear the orchard down

But looking down at the thorns

He noticed among them

A rose-colored lily.

And the king said

“Because of this lily, let the entire orchard be spared.”

And the rabbis say,

“Likewise the whole world is spared, for the sake of Torah. “

So

Hineni

Here I am

Standing at the foot of Mount Sinai

Looking to God for company

Both metaphorical and real,

Whether I believe in it or not.

And let me tell you something I do.

Once a month

I choose a name to represent what God is for me that day.

And today the name I choose for God is Emunah,

Faith.

I have no faith

Faith is for suckers

But still

We ask God to listen to us,

To listen to our Faith.

Because today I choose Torah.

Today I choose the rule of law.

Today I choose history and science.

Today I choose to resist the pharoah.

Today I choose holy conversations.

Today I choose to heal the world.

Today I choose acts of loving kindness.

Today I choose the wisdom of Yitro, to share the burdens

And today I choose Emunah,
To act AS IF:

As if I am not afraid,

As if I do not despair.

This is not hope

Because hope acknowledges the possibility of failure

And today I choose optimism,

As if I have faith
That I am not alone.

Because God said, “In every place where I cause my name to be mentioned, I will come to you and bless you.”

Blessed One-ness,
Emunah,

Believing, Believer, Believed.

Today we choose to be blessed.

Today we choose the lily among the thorns.

Amen



*Legend Of The Jews, page 78
Schocken Books 1992