Though I Am Afraid

Blessed One-ness,
I am afraid---

It floats in front of me

So big, and sometimes I can't see around it,

So small, sometimes I pretend it isn't there.

I tried to carry it away,

to take care of it

to put it to bed

to soothe myself

But I couldn't get my arms around it.

It grew and grew,

And I was afraid it would crush me.

It has different shapes

So many, and sometimes I can't keep track,

Sometimes it's flat and obvious.

I tried to walk all around it 

to see every perspective

to know its entirety

to calm myself

But I couldn't find every angle.

It expanded and contracted,

And I was afraid it would overwhelm me.

It makes a lot of noise

So loud, and sometimes I can hear laughter,

So quiet, sometimes I can forget I'm listening.

I tried to hear it all

to remember the tunes

to record the cries

to serenade myself.

But I missed most of what it was.

There was just too much,

And I was afraid that I would disappoint.

Blessed One-ness, 
Though I am afraid
Help me imagine possibilities

Within my fear,

Of safety
Of clarity
Of action

Of goodness

Of compassion 

Of courage
Amen.

The Hillel Sandwich: The Food That Holds A Grudge

Art by Mike Cockrill

So tonight

We eat the Hillel Sandwich,
That argumentative amuse bouche,

Made of 
Bitter-juicy horseradish
and

Brick-sweet charoset
and

Mitigating matza.

That's us,
Holding a grudge and releasing it, too.

Remembering that we were once slaves

And that then we were free,
Refusing to enslave others
and
Fighting those who would do so.

You may wish to disagree,
But I think
That without disputation, there is no Judaism.

Without both the pain and the joy,

Without both the strict and the kind,

Without both obligation and flexibility,

We simply cannot exist.

So tonight

We eat and

Delight in God's presence,

We eat and

Ask questions,

We eat and

Study Torah,

We eat

And remember our bitter and sweet stories.

Yum. 

Each Loss Breaks a Pattern: A Shiva Prayer

Baruch Atah Adonai

Ruach Ha Olam

Blessed One-ness, Breath of the Universe

Breathing us in 
Breathing us out.

Each loss breaks a pattern.

We remember and we pray.

We remember our loved one, _____________(name)

Beloved _______________(relationship)

Each loss breaks a pattern,
And we remember them.

We remember them

Because they gave us to ourselves,

We remember them

Because we loved each other,

And we remember

Because, well,
That is our job.

Every loss breaks a pattern,

And we pray.

We pray and place ourselves in front of the fear,

We place ourselves in front of the anger,

We place ourselves in front of the grief,

We pray and delight in our memories

We pray and listen for music that reminds us there will be joy again.

We pray for the long repair that happens after the patterns break.

And we give thanks for the ancient traditions, 

Telling the story even when we can’t. 

Hallelu Yah, breathing in,

Remembering us when we cannot.

Hallelu Yah, breathing out,

Praying with us when we feel alone.

Amen

The Rock

Let me speak:

Sleeping at this place

Or at least trying.

A stone for my pillow,

There is no comfort here.

I obsess and worry,

I have made such a mess.

I see steps that could take me away.

There could be happiness,

There could be One-ness,

But not yet.

I want so much.

I want to be of help,

I want to do good,

I want to experience everything,

I want to be wanted.

I watch so many others make the effort

But I don't know what it leads to.

I stare through the bars of every unlocked gate,
But I don't go in.

What if all it leads to is oblivion?

Only pain, then nothing?
No one will remember a thing.

I'm an idiot,

A fraud!

Over confident and messy,

Brash and hurtful,

Selfish and false,

No one needs me.
Soon it will not matter.

Amidst all this self-pity

I have one thing to hold onto.

Yes,

It's that stone pillow

For my hard hard head.

It tried to make me comfortable,
In its own rocky way.
I asked for a place to sleep and it said,

Here I am.

In the morning I will be exhausted.

I probably will have slept but I won't remember having done so.

I will move on, because that's what I do.

I will leave behind the stone pillow
In this place

As my assertion

That I saw what there was to see,

That I considered my options

And that maybe I will return,

And maybe not,

To this rock.  

For this is not a trifling thing.