A Prayer For Gratitude

Baruch Atah Adonai,

Brucha At Shechinah,

Ruach Ha Olam,

Holy wholeness,

Every Shabbat

I attend services on Zoom

And almost every single time we are asked by the rabbi,

What are you grateful for?

Write it down in the chat room, she says

And a long list rolls out

Of family members

And pets

And clergy

And social justice leaders

And victories

And sour dough bread recipes.

I am also grateful

For the usual stuff

But

Why do I have to write it down?

The thing is

I hate this question.

I really hate this question.

I am annoyed not grateful.

I am annoyed and not grateful on a daily basis,

I am annoyed and not grateful when I wake up in the morning 

and annoyed and not grateful when I go to sleep at night.

I am angry!

Modeh Ani? Hell no.

Bedtime Shma?  I forgive no one!

I am angry

and annoyed 

and disputatious 

and frustrated 

but the people who deserve my anger and resistance 

do not know or care that I exist, 

so I take it out on people who I know mean well

like my rabbi.

Because damn it

George Floyd was murdered 

and Larry Kramer died. 

So, sorry, no gratitude in the chat room today from me.

And?

the things that I am grateful for that you are so curious about,

why do I have to announce them?

You want me to spread my gratitude all around like manure

In this garden of good vibes?

Why?

Does it help everyone else’s gratitude if you know that I’m glad my cat isn’t dead?

And please, don’t tell me yours,

I am neither interested nor moved by your gratitude!

Really.

Except of course I am,

I love you

I love you all,

I like it when people are happy. 

I like it when people share their happiness,

But not on demand

Not in a chat

And not every week.

Not now

Not this week.

I am happy to share my happiness when it occurs. 

When it occurs.

But my gratitude is not for tourists.

The planet is on fire,

Sickness of all kinds surrounds us and

People are being killed by racists and idiots.

Cruelty goes unpunished

And we can’t get away from it.

No distractions work for long.

It feels hopeless.

Solidarity helps

Petitions help

Marches help

Phone calls help

But the grief won’t go away
And the more I deny it
The worse it gets.

I am consumed by fear and despair

So screw gratitude.

Sorry.

There is a parable in the Sefer Ha-Aggadah,*

The Book of Legends,

About a king who had a beautiful orchard

Which, when he had to leave for a year,

He left in the hands of a keeper. 

And when the king returned,

The orchard had been terribly neglected,

Overgrown with thorns and thistles.

He was going to tear the orchard down

But looking down at the thorns

He noticed among them

A rose-colored lily.

And the king said

“Because of this lily, let the entire orchard be spared.”

And the rabbis say,

“Likewise the whole world is spared, for the sake of Torah. “

And if I am grateful,

And if I acknowledge the beauty in my life, what will be spared?

For the sake of my pleasures, will the virus leave the nuring homes?  Will institutional racism disapper?  Will climate change go away? Will the Democrats win?

How does my gratitude change the world??

I’m asking because I really want to know.

Baruch Atah Adonai

Brucha At Shechinah,

Ruach Ha Olam,

Holy wholeness,

thank you for listening.

Amen