My Gratitude

Every Shabbat

I attend services

And almost every single time 

We are asked by the rabbi,

What are you grateful for?

(A reasonable question)

And a long list from the congregation rolls out

Of family members

And pets

And jobs and vacations

And operations and recoveries

And clergy and social justice leaders

And battles fought and won.

I am also grateful

For the usual stuff

But

I hate this question.

I really hate this question.

I am annoyed not grateful.

I am annoyed and not grateful on a daily basis,

I am annoyed and not grateful when I wake up in the morning

and annoyed and not grateful when I go to sleep at night.

This world is a terrible, cruel and stupid place and 

I am angry!

Modeh Ani? Hell no.

Bedtime Shma? I forgive no one!

I am angry

and disputatious

and frustrated

But the people who deserve my anger and resistance

Do not know or care that I exist!

I want it all to go away

And I’m ashamed at how little effort it takes

To ignore the unpleasant 

And do nothing. 

I’m so angry at myself.

So, no gratitude today from me.

And anyway,

The things that I am grateful for 

That you are so curious about,

Why do I have to announce them?

You want me to spread my gratitude all around like manure

In this garden of good vibes?

Feh.

And please, don’t tell me yours,

I am neither interested nor moved by your gratitude!

Except of course I am,

Because I love you and

I like it when people are happy.

And I like it when people share their happiness,

But not on demand!

And not every week.

Not now,

Not this week.

My gratitude is not for tourists.

Sorry.

Holy Wholeness,
Thank you for listening.
Amen