All Our Grudges: An Alternative Kol Nidrei

All grudges, resentments, and vows of vengence and bitterness, 

All undying hatreds or annoyances that we may hold onto

Or talk endlessly about, boring our friends,

Or lose sleep obsessing over

Or write bad poetry about

Or bring up at family dinners to the consternation of all present;

From the previous Day of Atonement until this Day of Atonement

For the benefit of our mental health

And the peace of mind of all who surround us;

Regarding all of this that we have refused to let go,

Despite the fact that they are long past

Or pointless

Or one-sided

Or ridiculous

Or destructive of the innocent

Or hurting ourselves more than anyone else;

Regarding all of them, these intrusions on the Holy Wholeness,
we repudiate them.

All of them, we let them go,

Give up

Wave away

Acknowledge as stupid

Declare null and void
Because we are done.

Our grudges are no longer our grudges,

Our silent resentments are no longer silent,

Our eternal vows of vengence are no more.

The entire community acknowledges and takes action

So that everyone we have been angry at is forgiven,

Every hurt we did not speak about will be dealt with,

Every relative will be loved for who they are rather than who they are not,

Every change in the world that needs to be made will be made rather than contemplated.

Holy Wholeness!

We need help to step back into connection with the One.

We look for the compassion and mercy

That is always there

If we but pay attention.

Yes, there it is.
We are forgiven?

Blessed be the One-ness, 

Creator, Created, Creating.

Amen

Art by Mike Cockrill

I Am In Exile: A Prayer for Kol Nidre

I am in exile

From the source

Of my true self.

I look and I can't find me.

I want to go back

I don't know how to get there.

They tell me:

Teshuva is the answer!

Return to friends, community, One-ness!

But I am lost,

I don't know the path.

I am in exile

From my Partner

In holy conversation.

I talk but I am not heard.

I want to speak

But I don't know what to say.

They tell me:

Tefillah is the answer!

Pray with friends, community, One-ness!

But I am lost,

I don't know the ritual.

I am in exile

From the unfair pain 

Suffered by so many others.

I can only feel my own needs.

I want to help

But I don't know what to do.

They tell me:

Tzedukah is the answer!

Serve your friends, community, One-ness!

But I am lost,

I don't know the next step.

Every Yom Kippur I am told:

Teshuvah, Tefilah & Tzedukah 

Restore us to our place.

Teshuvah, when we return to our true selves;

Tefillah, when we stop time in holy conversation;

Tzedukah, when we transcend self.

I hope that that is true.

Blessed One-ness, I am looking for guidance.

Where do I walk?

What do I say?

What do I do?

I am not sure I believe the answers.

Should I trust the ones who counsel me?

Shema, they say,

Listen:
You are forgiven,
You are loved.

Blessed Holy Wholeness, 

suggesting a home.
I hope that I am forgiven,
I hope that I am loved.

Amen.

A List, Of My Sins, For Yom Kippur

Praise Elul, the plowing
Praise Selichot, the planting
Praise Rosh Hashannah, the watering,
Praise Yom Kippur, the weeding
Praise Sukkot, the Harvest.


Aveinu Yah
Emotainu Yah
God of our ancestors
God of my childhood
God of the mystics
God of the philosophers
God of this community

Tonight I ask to be released from all my vows of perfection.
They were impossible.
I have made bad choices.
I caused pain
I was selfish
I talked behind people’s backs
I lost perspective
I wasted time
I whined and moped
I said mean things and thought I was funny
I went into debt.
I boasted
I was insincere
I did not take care of myself
I was too angry
I wasn’t angry enough
I projected my neuroses onto others
I used my abilities to intimidate
I didn’t use my abilities enough.
I did not sow or reap or harvest
I did not create.
I didn’t give money when it would have helped.
I didn’t give my time when it would have made a difference.
I lied.
I didn’t see others pain because I was too busy with my own
I was unsupportive to my friends.
I took my grief out on others.
I showed off.
I was foolish.
I was lazy
I was sloppy
I wallowed in self-pity.
I grumbled.
I was sarcastic.
I started every sentence with the word, “I”.
I did things that hurt other people.
Sometimes I couldn’t help myself, or so I like to think.
Sometimes I could help myself, and I knew it, and I didn’t.
I feared death and pretended I didn’t.
I thought I could control life and despaired when I could not.

Aveinu Yah, Emotainu Yah, God of my fathers and mothers, God of my current understanding or lack thereof, awesome and incomprehensible, for all these sins and many more, I promise to try for better from myself and others, and I pray for compassion and kindness for all who are in pain or who cause pain. Amen.