A Prayer For Gratitude

Baruch Atah Adonai,

Brucha At Shechinah,

Ruach Ha Olam,

Holy wholeness,

Every Shabbat

I attend services on Zoom

And almost every single time we are asked by the rabbi,

What are you grateful for?

Write it down in the chat room, she says

And a long list rolls out

Of family members

And pets

And clergy

And social justice leaders

And victories

And sour dough bread recipes.

I am also grateful

For the usual stuff

But

Why do I have to write it down?

The thing is

I hate this question.

I really hate this question.

I am annoyed not grateful.

I am annoyed and not grateful on a daily basis,

I am annoyed and not grateful when I wake up in the morning 

and annoyed and not grateful when I go to sleep at night.

I am angry!

Modeh Ani? Hell no.

Bedtime Shma?  I forgive no one!

I am angry

and annoyed 

and disputatious 

and frustrated 

but the people who deserve my anger and resistance 

do not know or care that I exist, 

so I take it out on people who I know mean well

like my rabbi.

Because damn it

George Floyd was murdered 

and Larry Kramer died. 

So, sorry, no gratitude in the chat room today from me.

And?

the things that I am grateful for that you are so curious about,

why do I have to announce them?

You want me to spread my gratitude all around like manure

In this garden of good vibes?

Why?

Does it help everyone else’s gratitude if you know that I’m glad my cat isn’t dead?

And please, don’t tell me yours,

I am neither interested nor moved by your gratitude!

Really.

Except of course I am,

I love you

I love you all,

I like it when people are happy. 

I like it when people share their happiness,

But not on demand

Not in a chat

And not every week.

Not now

Not this week.

I am happy to share my happiness when it occurs. 

When it occurs.

But my gratitude is not for tourists.

The planet is on fire,

Sickness of all kinds surrounds us and

People are being killed by racists and idiots.

Cruelty goes unpunished

And we can’t get away from it.

No distractions work for long.

It feels hopeless.

Solidarity helps

Petitions help

Marches help

Phone calls help

But the grief won’t go away
And the more I deny it
The worse it gets.

I am consumed by fear and despair

So screw gratitude.

Sorry.

There is a parable in the Sefer Ha-Aggadah,*

The Book of Legends,

About a king who had a beautiful orchard

Which, when he had to leave for a year,

He left in the hands of a keeper. 

And when the king returned,

The orchard had been terribly neglected,

Overgrown with thorns and thistles.

He was going to tear the orchard down

But looking down at the thorns

He noticed among them

A rose-colored lily.

And the king said

“Because of this lily, let the entire orchard be spared.”

And the rabbis say,

“Likewise the whole world is spared, for the sake of Torah. “

And if I am grateful,

And if I acknowledge the beauty in my life, what will be spared?

For the sake of my pleasures, will the virus leave the nuring homes?  Will institutional racism disapper?  Will climate change go away? Will the Democrats win?

How does my gratitude change the world??

I’m asking because I really want to know.

Baruch Atah Adonai

Brucha At Shechinah,

Ruach Ha Olam,

Holy wholeness,

thank you for listening.

Amen

damn

I am angry

and annoyed 

and disputatious 

and frustrated 

but the people who deserve my anger and resistance 

do not know or care that I exist, 

so I take it out on people who I know mean well.

George Floyd was murdered 

and Larry Kramer died yesterday. 

Damn 

Morning Dreams

And now I’ve started having morning dreams

Where I dream I’m waking up

And my throat hurts

And I get very upset

Because I’m sure I have contracted the virus

And I start calculating

Should I

call the doctor or

go to the hospital

and what about the cat

and why don’t I have a health proxy

But then I wake up

(usually lying in the same position I was in in the dream)

And my throat doesn’t hurt

And I’m fine.

I’m awake

But I’m just as anxious as I was

In the dream

anyway.

Washing Your Hands During a Pandemic PDF

During this anxious time, many people and congregations have shared my handwashig blessing from this blog, Facebook and/or Ritualwell.  

And, since many shuls, schools and churches are choosing to post this blessing in their bathrooms and sinks,  Ritualwell has created a PDF of the prayer that can be printed and posted.

Ritualwell.org Handwashing PDF



And, if you should want to support my work as a Sacred Artist: 

All my work is offered to you free with attribution, under the Creative Commons SA license.  I have posted my work up here and in other venues for years for anyone to read and use and will continue to do so. If you use anything I've written and it worked or meant something to you, and if you can afford to do so, please consider helping me out on a one time basis, or the Patreon link below if you want to help out on a regular basis, so I can continue my work.

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For a one time offering, please use my PayPal or Venmo button.   If you would like to be a monthly patron:

PATREON
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Ladybirds and Judaism

I was interviewed for HIDDEN WINGS AND BLOODLUST,  a podcast hosted by Rachael Horwitz, a lover of ladybugs (ladybirds in England, where Rachael lives). She is interested in all bugs and religion and found my Blessing For The Bugs on opensiddur.org and asked me to come on the show.  I was a little self-conscious at first but warmed up and we had fun. Here it is:


https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-wings-and-bloodlust/id1476595771#episodeGuid=hiddenwingsandbloodlust.podbean.com%2F6fe52b79-ae8f-5861-94da-6b92f55290f1

A Blessing For Washing Hands During a Pandemic

As we wash our hands

We pray,

Blessed is the Soul of the Universe,

Breathing us in and breathing us out.

May our breaths continue

And our health and the health of all

Be preserved

In this time of sickness and fear of sickness.

Holy Wholeness,

We take as much responsibility for it as we can

By observing the obligation to wash our hands,

Thoroughly:

For as long as it takes to say this prayer.

Amen